      On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is home from a wild weekend of shows in Augusta and Charleston. A woman tried to sit in Jeff's lap, she found a scammer at a hotel valet in Augusta and her to-do list is too long but she's keeping the attitude fresh.... until she fights with a crazy woman who is calls into the hotline to justify keeping her christmas tree up all year. ABSOLUTELY NOT.   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   For a limited time, Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners free shipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at checkout at Starface.world   For listeners of the show, Dips is offering an extended 30-day free trail when you go to DipseaStories.com/absolutely   Grab your Liquid I.V.in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 20% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout   Go to HelloFresh.com/absolutely21 and use code absolutely21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping   Produced by Dear Media

Pink Tree Problems

     On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from Texas with cedar fever and some new boots. She is taking a quick breath before she is back on the road again this weekend to listen to your insane voicemails. One girl is starting a business and another is hooking up with a Bouncer who threw her out. It's a wild ride and we're leaving no stone unturned.   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   For a limited time, Starface is offering all Absolutely Not listeners freeshipping on your first Micro-Cloud order. Just enter the promo code Absolutely at checkout at Starface.world   Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support the show by going to Nutrafol.com and entering the promo code ABSOLUTELY to save fifteen dollars off your first month’s subscription   It’s the time to treat yourself this New Year. Go to printfresh.com/ABSOLUTELYNOT or use code ABSOLUTELYNOT for 15% off your first order   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear Media  

Red Delicious

     On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is reporting live, from Austin,Texas! She narrowly made it to her hotel after riding in a maroon escalade with a drug dealer named Charlie, but is staying positive and looking at the brighter side of life. She got into a soft encounter with a woman doused in Aussie mouse and a man making 10 million dollar deals on the tarmac. She also hits the Absolutely NOT line to discuss y'all's bullshit too.   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   For a limited time, Brooklinen is offering 15% off comforters. Listening after the sale? Visit Brooklinen.com today and use code absolutelynot for $20 off plus free shipping.   Visit www.californiaprunes.org for recipes, and be sure to look for California prunes at your favorite supermarket or specialty shop.   Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today at Prose.com/absolutely.    Produced by Dear Media

It's About the Journey

           On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is fresh off a z-pack from Mexico and the ride of her life through the sofi stadium to be an SEC ally for the dawgs. She is sniffling her way through a week of LA work but truly no days off because tinseltown wait for no one. She discusses her own pretty woman moment at the Beverly Hills Hotel but how she reassured the staff that even though everyone at the Polo lounge has a soft southern accent- they werent gonna walk out on their tabs. Stay Humble but Stay Smoking!    Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and 5 free travel packs at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   Save 10% when you shop The BFF Bundle — a pack of classic AND salicylic acid stars designed to love your pimples all the way through the healing process at Starface.world   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today.   Printfresh is a woman-owned, size-inclusive sleepwear and lifestyle brand with sizes ranging from XS to 6X. Head to Printfresh.com/ABSOLUTELYNOT   Produced by Dear Media

LET THE BIG DAWGS BITE

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is ringing in the new years with fresh boundaries with her negative CVS. She will no longer allow their filthy carpet and refusal to take her insurance dampen her mood!! She has realized that sometimes you need to just sit in the shallow end of the pool, and think about shit on the steps, before you dive into the deep end of life!    Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Grab your Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to LIQUIDIV.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout.   To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com, and use the code ABSOLUTELY​ to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show.   It’s the time to treat yourself this New Year. Go to printfresh.com/ABSOLUTELYNOT or use code ABSOLUTELYNOT for 15% off your first order.   Visit www.californiaprunes.org for recipes, and be sure to look for California prunes at your favorite supermarket or specialty shop.   Produced by Dear Media

HOW DID WE GET HERE

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is sitting down with her Italian stallion to recap 2022 highs and lows and doomsday prep for the 2023 shit show season. Jeff and Heather both share their "rose and thorn" of the year and never really address how over-budget the wedding really was- It is too touchy of a subject that I guess they will push on to their therapists 10 years down the road. They both realize they need to learn a tangible skill like flying or boating, and Jeff promises to build Heather a tunnel behind the pool.    Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Start a new healthy habit today. Visit Seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed'sDS-01™Daily Synbiotic.   Visit www.californiaprunes.org for recipes, and be sure to look for California prunes at your favorite supermarket or specialty shop.   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear Media  

"Rose and Thorn" with Jeff Daniels

   On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather prepares herself mentally for the battle of Christmas and reminds herself it's not about fighting a petite elderly woman for the last giftcard at Talbots. but rather a time to reflect on all the selfless good she has given the world through the years. She hits the Absolutely Not Line and gives unsolicited advice on how to survive the holidays and plan a cruise for your conspiracy theory loving in-laws.    Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Head to Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering my listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30.   Athletic Greens is going to give you is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   Produced by Dear Media  

Missed Connections

    On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather sits down with friends and road dog, Andrew Collin. They are fresh off 3 shows in the midwest and recording live from a Hilton in Grand Rapids where the vibes are good but the temperature is frigid. Andrew and Heather discuss staying motivated, only working to 70% of their potential and what they would tell to their younger selves. This podcast is the least bit motivating and they are both idiots.    Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Visit Brooklinen.com today and save 15% on your first purchase plus free shipping.   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today   Athletic Greens is going to give you is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   This Holiday season gift Away at AwayTravel.com/absolutely   Thanks to our friends at Spritz Society, you can try their iconic sparkling cocktails for 10% by using code ABSOLUTELY on spritzsociety.com   Produced by Dear Media  

"Only Give 70%" with Guest Andrew Collin

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is recovering from a wild weekend in the Big Easy where she received alot of attitude from mixologists and almost fought a college kid in a night club. She gives advice to a newly wed who paid for their wedding, unveils the mystery of how our parents are still able to post on facebook and questions what happened to a man who went overboard on a carnival cruise!    Sponsors:   Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Ready to shake up your protein Ritual? To make trying something new easier, Ritual is offering my followers 10% off their first 3 months when you shop online at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY   From exercise, to errands to sunset –I love my goodrs. You can go to goodr.com/ABSOLUTELY to get FREE shipping   Money can’t buy happiness. But not worrying about your money comes close. See for yourself why Chime is so loved at chime.com/absolutely   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Attitude of Gratitude

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is fresh from her weekend in Mississippi eating pork rinds & cheering on the Sportz- She hits the Absolutely Not Line to dissect all of your Post- Thanksgiving Drama. You hoes were eating out doing Zero Tipping, talking to pervs in Dog Parks and ended up with a crotch staph infection. It's been a wild weekend and Auntie Heather is here to help.    Sponsors:   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30   You can now get ready for any occasion in head-to-toe Steve Madden. Use code ABSOLUTELY20 at checkout for 20% off your first purchase at SteveMadden.com   Athletic Greens is going to give you is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   If you want to support the show and pick up a pair, goodr is giving Absolutely Not listeners FREE SHIPPING on your first order at goodr.com/ABSOLUTELY   Right now, you can get up to 45% off their best-selling products when you purchase select holiday sets by visiting ThriveCausemetics.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Dog Park Perv

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is breaking down the pre-holiday anxiety we are all feeling in the back of our throats. The next week is going to be filled with family fights, food sensitivities and lots of farts! Heather walks you through your step by step Holiday survival guide so that you don't lose your shit on your Aunt Regina before the mashed potatoes even hit the deck. She hits the Absolutely Not-line and tries to give some sage advice to fellow stressed out holiday hosts- but remember at the end of the day- have your emergency cigs on stand-by.   Sponsors:   Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Brooklinen's Biggest Sale of the Year is only for a limited time, and the deals don't get better. Visit Brooklinen.com and get $20 off plus free shipping on orders $100+ with code absolutelysnot.   As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show.   Go to littlewordsproject.com/ABSOLUTELY or enter ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 30% off your first order.   Visit SteveMadden.com and use code ABSOLUTELY20 FOR 20% off your first purchase.   Start a new healthy habit today. Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic.   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

DO LESS AUNT REGINA

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is fresh from a weekend of shows in Florida. She was not invited to Tiffany Trump's wedding but instead spent the weekend slingin' jokes and searching for a new therapist in West Palm. There is something bout that Florida humidity that stirs up forgotten emotions and family trauma. We are working through all the feelings leading up to Turkey Day and answering your questions on the Absolutely Not Line.   Sponsors:   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.   Athletic Greens is going to give you is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   This Holiday season gift Away at AwayTravel.com/ABSOLUTELY   Visit SteveMadden.com and use code Absolutely20 at checkout for 20% off your first purchase   Thanks to our friends at Spritz Society, you can try their iconic sparkling cocktails for 10% off by using code ABSOLUTELY on SpritzSociety.com   If you go to GetQuip.com/ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT NOW, you’ll get your first refill FREE.   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Hot Topic Sweet 16

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is fresh from her trip to Space Camp, aka a weekend of shows in Huntsville. She met a scientist at a bar that told her we only got a few weeks left- and wondered why can't the aliens fix our heavy periods? "Surely some bitch in outterspace knows how to stop a heavy flow?"- ya know that kinda vibe.   Sponsors:   Check out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off and free shipping on orders of $100+.   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30   Get 10% off your first 3 months of Ritual when you visit Ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY & add Essential Protein today.   Go to LittleWordsProject.com/ABSOLUTELY or enter ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 30% off your first order.   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.    

Beam Me Up Scott

    On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is fresh off her comedy special taping weekend- full of gratitude and adrenaline. She witnessed a fight over a snack break in the back kitchen of a salad joint and was ready to jump in and pop off, if need be. She's back with her weekly dose of unsolicited advice such as- "How to spice things up in the bedroom" to "Is it ok to eat del taco alone in your car to avoid your in-laws?"   Sponsors:   Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1-year supply of immune-boosting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/ABSOLUTELY    Right now, you can get 15% off your first order when you visit ThriveCausemetics.com/ABSOLUTELY   With each can only 25 calories and 5g of sugar or less,  Poppi can be found on Amazon for 15% off with code “ABSOLUTELY15” and in retailers nationwide   See for yourself why Chime is so loved at Chime.com/ABSOLUTELY   Thanks to our friends at Spritz Society, you can try their iconic sparkling cocktails for 10% off by using code ABSOLUTELY on SpritzSociety.com   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.  

NO SNACKIN' IN THE BACK

    On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has a few biohacks for her early girlies. She hits the Absolutely NOT-line and comes up with a genius idea of how to start a men's therapy group under the full disguise of a man named Harry.    Sponsors:   Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases and bags at AwayTravel.com/absolutely   Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely   For listeners of the show, Everlywell is offering a special discount of twenty percent off an at-home lab test at Everlywell.com/absolutely   So start your credit journey with Chime at Chime.com/absolutely   If you go to GetQuip.com/ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT NOW, you’ll get your first refill FREE.   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Harry's Therapy

   On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather has a very exciting announcement for the new tour! It's a big one! She hits the Absolutely Not Line only to give life changing advice for a young listener, help a woman keep her job at the gym and navigate what to do if you've dated a murderer.    Sponsors:   Go to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE   Go to paireyewear.com/absolutely for 15% off your first purchase   Go to littlewordsproject.com/ABSOLUTELY or enter ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 30% off your first order   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Chili Season

         On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather recounts a scary moment from Trader Joes, how her life flashed before her eyes and why she was mad at Robin. She also hits the Absolutely Not Line- We've got grown men sucking on hard candy while they sleep, children getting tattoos, Ole Randy shits the bed and more!      Sponsors:     Check out Brooklinen.com today for their luxurious home and bedding essentials, and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off plus free shipping on your purchase of $100 or more.     Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/absolutely     Go to Talkspace.com and make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY​ to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show     Thanks to our friends at Spritz Society, you can try their iconic sparkling cocktails for 10% by using code ABSOLUTELY on spritzsociety.com     From Sony Music Entertainment, Hello Sunshine, The Home Edit and Somethin' Else, listen and follow  Best Friend Energy wherever you get your podcasts.     Produced by Dear Media      Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   

2 Old 4 Da Club

  On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather hits the hotline to answer questions like " Why Kentucky" and " How do I  stop scrolling the internet for my ex's"? The fact that folks come to Heather for actual advice is alarming but dammit she's hitting the advice line HARD. Heather also has a guided meditation for anyone over 30 who is feeling the weight of the world.    Sponsors:   Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box.   Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Everlywell is offering a special discount of twenty percent off an at-home lab test at everlywell.com/absolutely.   Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at Visitritual.com/ABSOLUTELY   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.   For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/ABSOLUTELY   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Trust the Thrust

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her trip to Detroit with a new respect for the thin women of Michigan and the attitude of the TSA precheck staff. She hits the hotline and asks the age old questions like "Why dont Boomers drink water?" to "Do people in Charleston have pubic hair?"   Sponsors:   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30   Get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely   Rright now you can get $20 off your first month of Nuuly when you sign up with the code ABSOLUTELY20 at Nuuly.com   Right now, you can get 15% off your first order when you visit ThriveCausemetics.com/absolutely   f you want to support the show and pick up a pair, goodr is giving my listeners FREE SHIPPING on your first order at Goodr.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

BIA BIA MIA MIA

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather  hits the Absolutely Not Line and the voicemails are SHOCKING! One caller is getting fired from her job for being with child, while another is out-of-the-blue allergic to pulled pork. It's literally a game of survival. We have deep embarrassing confessions and some triggering core memories. No stone is left unturned on this insane episode!    Sponsors:   Head to Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.   Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box.   Go to Nuuly.com and enter the code ABSOLUTELY20 and sign up to get $20 off your first month.   Produced by Dear Media   Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

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