Do you have a parent struggling with addiction or betrayal trauma? In this episode we answer questions from a listener who is experiencing this in her own family and although we do not have grown children of our own, because ours are still young, we address her difficult yet thoughtful questions. How can you support both the addicted & the betrayed when they are your parents or in-laws? And how do their struggles affect you as their child?
We pray for you and hope you each have a very Merry Christmas, we know that Christ is the reason for all seasons, and is the reason for our healing and recovery. It's been an amazing year of growth and change, thanks for taking this vulnerable, awkward, healing, oversharing roller coaster of a journey with us, we are excited for 2020 we have some great things in store. 
THINGS DISCUSSED

 Reading the email.
 Addressing her questions.
  Betrayed's Point of View
  Addicted's Point of View
  Children's Point of View
  Is separation a punishment?
  Example of a Boundary after a lost battle.
  Sorry we don't have time codes or show notes yet, we just wanted to get this episode published ASAP because we know the holidays are hard and didn't want anyone to feel alone because we know this email is not unique to our listener, so time codes will be coming soon!

*A Lost Battle - is described more in the FREE Like Dragons Did They Fight book by Maurice Harker who founded the Men of Moroni Program as well as Life Changing Services. Check them out HERE to learn more and get support. If you are the once betrayed or currently betrayed, you WANT to hear Maurice, he is so validating.
📓 Previous Episodes, Show Notes & More  - clarknlinda.com
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Feeling alone was the worst! Leave a comment or share this episode on social media and tag us to help someone in the trenches.
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@ClarknLinda

19. Hallmark Movie vs. Real Life

What is a "Lost Battle?" What does it mean to the addicted? What does it mean to the betrayed? How can we even talk about it? Can we process a lost battle?
📓 Show Notes & More  - clarknlinda.com
TIME CODES

 1:44 - Clark - Welcome and intro
 3:41 - Linda’s thoughts
  7:31 - Linda’s reaction to the lost battle
  9:46 - Conflicting feelings - want to be supportive, but can’t minimize how much it hurts
  14:21 - If his addiction has nothing to do with me then why does it affect me so much?
  15:50 - A mom’s reaction vs a wife’s
  19:24 - Can trust be regained?
  29:36 - Clark shares what happened
  43:26 - Clark shares Linda reaction from his point of view
  45:40 - What to do after?
  Lost battle analysis.
  Embrace Change
  Get Help that’s not your wife
  54:24 - What I’ve learned - Buckle up. You’re in for some rough times
  55:14 - Just because you’re on the same team doesn’t mean you won’t fight
  56:56 - A lot battle doesn’t reset your relationship to ground zero. It puts you in a hole that’s worse than before and you have to dig out.
  1:05:02 - What to do in your relationship
  1:05:59 - Be patient
  1:14:42 - Don’t give up. You WILL feel rejected for a while, but don’t stop reaching out and being nice.

HOMEWORK (1:20:52)
For the addicted: Read through lost battle analysis, even if you haven't lost a battle. (Lost battle analysis can be found in the book linked below)
For the betrayed: Get some self care, maybe a good boxing workout!
*A Lost Battle - is described more in the FREE Like Dragons Did They Fight book by Maurice Harker who founded the Men of Moroni Program as well as Life Changing Services. Check them out HERE to learn more and get support. If you are the once betrayed or currently betrayed, you WANT to hear Maurice, he is so validating.
SUBSCRIBE & SHARE
Feeling alone was the worst! Leave a comment or share this episode to help someone in the trenches.
CONNECT on Social
@ClarknLinda

18. What is a Lost Battle?

5 sisters who were first connected through their experience with betrayal trauma, gather together in person for the first time after almost a year of first meeting through a online support group, to strengthen each other. Sharing your story is so hard, and Linda was hesitant to share her story too, these sisters were part of her very first "group," and she instantly bonded with them and they are now closer than friends, they are sisters. Take notes, as these sisters share what they have learned in their journey through courageously reaching out to others.
We were all connected through the WORTH Program from Life Changing Services. Visit to find your own group: https://lifechangingservices.online/worth/
Please remember we got together on our own, this retreat/gathering/training camp was and is not part of the WORTH program, but was amazingly healing.
📓 Show Notes & More  - clarknlinda.com
TIME CODES
1st Topic: 3:15 - What does isolation look and feel like?

 9:25 - Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship Analogy.
 9:55 - SA Lifeline & Rhyll Croshaw
  10:00 - Boundaries
  10:40 - What does your first step look like?
  12:35 - When you isolate you’re not holding it all, it leaks out in other ways in your life.

2nd Topic: 13:32 - The Miracle of stepping out of isolation.

  14:24 - How do we reach for the Savior, how do we reach for His help? We do it by reaching to others! When we go to others for help we are inviting miracles into our lives.
  16:16 - We are wired for connection.
  20:06 - Group Polos (Marco Polo App) can be a safe place! All of us have cried on a group Polo from our closets.
  23:30 - Seek healing, take action for yourself!
  25:20 - We expect people to notice we are struggling, but it’s our job to use our agency to act and speak up and say we are struggling.

3rd Topic: 27:49 How do you gauge who is a safe person to talk to?

  28:06 - Is this person able to keep confidences? Does their reaction to vulnerable stories make you feel like you’d be safe with them? Do they have a personal investment in the outcome? Ask the Lord to help you know who you could reach out to.
  31:30 - When we tell our story we tell part of our spouse's story too and we might feel like we can’t or shouldn’t do that, but it is 100% necessary to share our story, our story matters.
  31:15 - Everyone has their own path.
  34:10 - This process will help you know who you really are.
  35:40 - We have the Savior 

4th Topic: 36:05 - How to know what support group you need? 

  42:25 - Only Heavenly Father knows how much and who we need on this journey.
  42:40 - Try out different groups, until you find the right fit. 
  43:26 - Different support groups: SA Lifeline, ARP, Healing Through Christ, Bloom for Women, etc...
  53:30 - We love our Therapist!
  54:36 - It takes soooooo much courage.
  58:50 - There is power in telling and hearing stories.
  59:50 - Our newest Sister to "D" Day who found support!

HOMEWORK
Reach ou

17. Healthy Helpful Support - 5 Sisters Who Experience Betrayal Trauma

In this episode, Clark and Linda try to help the addicted to overcome Satan’s tactic of getting them to forget who they are and feel worthless. They review scriptures, talks, and even Disney movies that help them remember their divine identity and know they are more than enough. They present homework to help them receive confirmation of their identity directly from Heavenly Father and challenge listeners to try doing daily affirmations as a regular reminder.
📓 Show Notes & More  - clarknlinda.com
TIME CODES

 3:19 - Quote from Pres. Thomas S. Monson: “Remember who you are and what God expects you to become. You are a child of promise. You are a man of might. You are a son of God.” 
 3:45 - Clark’s thoughts
 6:59 - Talk by Elder Tad R. Callister
 9:41 - “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching” - John Wooden
  10:35 - “We sow our thoughts, and we reap our actions; we sow our actions, and we reap our habits; we sow our habits, and we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny.” - David O McKay 
  11:18 - Proverbs 23.7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he…” 
  12:10 - Why do I feel so bad about myself?
  14:39 - Elder K Brett Nattress
  17:15 - Am I a Child of God? By Elder Brian K. Taylor 
  20:11 - Alma 32.27 
  28:00 - Linda’s Digital Printables Shop where she does the baptism invites she mentioned (and lots of other cool stuff) and Scripture Posters for your Arsenal.
  29:57 - Ether 12.37
  30:29 - Alma 49.8 - 
  31:17 - Ephesians 6.16 
  31:29 - Alma 26.12
  31:50 - The Power of Scripture by Elder Richard G. Scott 
  32:49 - Knowing Who You Are by Kevin J Worthen

HOMEWORK: (34:21)

  34:21 - Homework part 1: Pray and ask, “Father, what do you think of me? Who am I to you?”
  36:24 - Daily Affirmations w/ Stuart Smalley
  38:13 - Homework Part 2: Come up with affirmations statements and say them regularly. Ideas can be found at Addressing Pornography.
  38:45 - Free 100 Affirmations for Men worksheet! PDF

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Feeling alone was the worst! Leave a comment or share to help someone in the trenches.
CONNECT
@ClarknLinda

16. You are Enough - Part 1 - Once Addicted - Exclusively for Podcast Audience

Whether you tell them or not, your kids will sense something is going on. It will affect them even if they don’t say anything. Don’t leave them in the dark. Your family is a team and being vulnerable with those you love makes your connections stronger. In this episode, we talk about why it’s important to share with your kids, how you might want to approach it, and we share what our experience was like, how they reacted, and what we’ve done since to keep our armor strong.
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

15. We Told The Kids!

An important part of recovery and healing is overcoming shame and being vulnerable with those you love most—your family. In this episode, we talk about why it’s important to share with your family, how you might want to approach it, and we share what our experience was like in sharing. 
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

14. How To Tell Family

Addiction and Betrayal can make us feel inauthentic as we submit to shame and cover up what we’re going through. It causes us to isolate and avoid others. That lack of honesty and vulnerability makes it harder to connect with others and harder to recover and heal. But as we open up and share our story with those we love it helps us connect and be authentic and speeds the process of recovery and healing. Episode 13 is exclusively for our Podcast listeners!
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

13. You've Made A Liar Out Of Me - Exclusively for Podcast Audience

Both the once addicted and the once betrayed have a story to share. We talk about how it went the first time we shared. You may feel you don't have a safe place to to share, but that is a lie that satan gets into our thoughts and emotions to keep us locked in our fear. We share our thoughts about which groups worked for us, please tell us which groups have worked for you?
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

12. Get Your Group On

Exclusive Episode for our podcast listeners only, not available on Youtube. A "sex fast" is such an awkward topic to bring up to your spouse if you're not used to having hard and intimate conversations, Linda had no idea Clark would even do it. See how our experience went and if it's right for you.
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

11. Sex Fast - Exclusively for Podcast Audience

We discuss the importance of daily checklists and goals: How the recovering addict can use the action of “checking boxes” out of duty, fear, or obligation can eventually lead from sobriety to real recovery. And how the once betrayed can use simple, everyday actions of to overcome triggers and find healing regardless of their spouse’s actions. 
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

10. What About Lists?

Merry Christmas! We discuss how addiction and betrayal can taint our good memories and lead to discouragement and despair if we’re not careful and strategies for overcoming that discouragement and preserving good memories.
📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

9. Don't Taint Good Memories

We discuss the Helping Her Heal video from Dr. Weiss. Linda shares how Dr. Weiss validates all of the betrayed’s feelings, emotions, thoughts, actions and reactions through this video. Clark shares how the 6 steps Dr. Weiss shares really do help the addicted to validate the betrayed’s feelings which lead to more productive conversations to help Linda heal. 📓 Show Notes & More Resources - clarknlinda.com

8. Help Her Heal

What things need to change in our marriage and family? Why can't we just do the same things we did before! Linda talks about the stages of trauma. Clark's struggle with addiction doesn't define who he is.

7. Out With The Old, In With The New

We kept rolling after Ep. 6 and Clark ended up talking about some ideas that he had for the Addicted to possibly do in the event of a separation to help build some safety and trust for the betrayed spouse.

Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. - https://www.clarknlinda.com

6.2. Bonus Content - Recovery while Separated

What kind of fears, worries and shame plague the addicted and the betrayed? Do you experience these same fears? BTW there's a bonus Episode after this!
Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. - https://www.clarknlinda.com

6. What Are You Afraid Of?

Clark (with 185 days of sobriety) talks about what has helped him the most this time around in his recovery from addiction to pornography. In this Ep. 5, he talks about countless broken promises to self, consuming thoughts of despair including, depression and thoughts of suicide.
Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. - https://www.clarknlinda.com

5. Stop Fighting Yourself

We share THE main thing that has helped Linda heal from her betrayal trauma, to trust a bit more and feel safer with Clark. You are not alone in pornography addiction recovery & healing from betrayal trauma! Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. - https://www.clarknlinda.com

4. Honesty Is Key

We are fresh out of "D" day (7 months) and are sharing the resources (part 2) which have been the most helpful to us. You are not alone in addiction recovery & healing from betrayal trauma! Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. https://www.clarknlinda.com

3. Resources Part 2

We are fresh out of "D" day (7 months) and are sharing the resources which have been the most helpful to us. You are not alone in addiction recovery & healing from betrayal trauma! Join us every Friday night as we have real convos about recovery & healing during our date nights. https://www.clarknlinda.com

2. Resources Part 1

Our purpose and our why we are doing these real and raw convos after pornography addiction and betrayal trauma so that we can connect and show real examples of how questions might go when you have convos at home. https://www.clarknlinda.com

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