Do we have the authority to keep other kids off their own devices in our home?
A listener wrote in to ask:
"How have you all handled other kids' devices in your home? My 9-year-old daughter has neighborhood friends come over most days. There is an 11-year-old with an iPhone and little to no restrictions on its use. Is it overstepping to say that if another kid's device comes in, it has to stay on our kitchen table until they leave?" 
Margaret says that it's totally within your control to decide how devices are used in your own house. Have a basket where phones and tablets can be placed at the beginning of a playdate. Or allow their use only in the areas of the house where you can monitor their use.
Don't feel bad about keeping a hard line, even if you get comments or eyerolls from kids. You'll feel much better if you don't have to constantly worry about what kids might be doing on their devices in your house—because that really is your responsibility.

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Ask Margaret: How Do I Handle Devices on Playdates?

How can we talk about America’s ongoing legacy of racism without sliding into despair? In his new memoir HOW FAR TO THE PROMISED LAND, Esau McCaulley tells his own story—and questions why Black failure is judged collectively, while Black success is perceived as the merit of an individual.
Rev. Esau McCaulley, PhD, is an author and associate professor of New Testament at Wheaton College. His work has been published in The New York Times, The Atlantic, the Washington Post, and Christianity Today.
Esau and Amy discuss:

Why "escaping poverty" is a misleading term

How experiences that set the context for heroic bravery also create the possibility for failure

What caused Esau to change his definition of justice


Here's where you can find Esau:

www.esaumccaulley.com

@OfficialEsauMcCaulley on Facebook

@esaumccaulley on Twitter on Instagram

Buy HOW FAR TO THE PROMISED LAND: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593241080



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Fresh Take: Esau McCaulley, "How Far To The Promised Land"

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How do we maintain healthy relationships with our extended family, whether they live five or five hundred miles away? Amy and Margaret talk about how their own extended families operate, and what works best to keep everyone connected.
Amy and Margaret discuss:

The types of conflicts that extended families typically experience

The value of extended family—whether or not they live nearby

How to model healthy extended family relationships for your kids


Here are some links to further reading on the topic:

Michele Meleen for Love to Know: Definition of Extended Families: Meanings and Roles


Kiley Hurst for Pew Research Center: More than half of Americans live within an hour of extended family


Frank Bruni for The NYT: "Tolstoy and Miss Daisy"


Megan Carnegie for BBC Family Tree: The tensions that fan tricky in-law relationships


Karen L. Fingerman, et. al, for Purdue University: In-Law Relationships Before and After Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Their Mothers-in-Law


Fatherly: 16 Tips For Creating Healthy Boundaries With Your Extended Family



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Making It Work With Extended Family

How do we get our savvy stallers to get ready for bed in a reasonable amount of time? Amy gives a listener some tools for speeding up a bedtime slowpoke.
Nici came to our Facebook group to ask:
"Please help this mom of a very smart and savvy 11-year old who is some kind of Jedi master of STALLING. He knows it’s bedtime. He doesn’t want to go to bed. But instead of outright complaining, he subtly and consistently stalls his bedtime by doing little tiny things to stall the process. Pointing out each little thing he’s doing in order to stall is annoying and only makes him dig his heels in more. I love him so much, and I know this is all probably a ploy for attention, BUT COME ON. I feel like we give him a LOT of attention throughout the day and in general. What can I do?"
What is your kid getting out of stalling? Maybe they do want to just stay up later. It could be that his bedtime needs to be rolled back by half an hour.
You can also try doing the unpreferred activities before the preferred one. All the bedtime stuff  (homework, shower, pajamas, teeth, whatever it is) comes before the preferred activity (TV, gaming, time with you).
When something with a kid becomes an ongoing struggle, the best place to start is to ask these two questions: what can I add? What can I take away? 
You might add external motivation, rewards, a later weekend bedtime. 
You might take away your presence while he stalls, the dog that is there to distract him, the sugary treats that might be revving him up. 
Work these dials one at a time, and have patience. Once you figure out a kid's secondary gain, and/or the currency that motivates them, things will usually fall into place. 

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Ask Amy: I've Got a Bedtime Staller

After Minna Dubin's New York Times essay on mom rage went viral, she received hundreds of messages from other parents, thanking her for daring to explore something most of us would rather pretend doesn't exist. Dubin was therefore inspired to write the new book MOM RAGE: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood, to explore what exactly mom rage is, where it comes from, and what we can do about it.
Minna's writing has appeared in the New York Times, Salon, Parents, among others, and as a leading feminist voice on mom rage, Minna has appeared on MSNBC, Good Morning America, and NPR.
In this interview, Minna and Amy discuss:

Why mom rage is a complex multi-phase physiological and psychological cycle that starts long before we explode

The societal neglect of mothers, and how it contributes

What does—and doesn't—work to mitigate our mom rage


We discussed Minna's original essay, and our own takes on mom rage, in this additional episode.
Here's where you can find Minna: 

@minnadubin on IG, Twitter, Threads

https://minnadubin.com

Buy MOM RAGE: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781541601307



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Fresh Take: Minna Dubin on Mom Rage

One day out of school? Fine, here’s the remote. But by day four of a low-grade temp— just enough to keep the kid home— most parents get rather desperate for ideas. We are both unfortunate experts on the topic of kids’ sick days, and here's what we've learned.
This is a "Best Of" episode from the pre-Covid days. If your kid might have Covid, definitely ignore any "they're probably fine, just send them" advice you may hear in this episode!
Amy and Margaret discuss:

what you should already have around the house in anticipation of those “Mommy, I don’t feel well” moments

 why sick days are not the time to introduce a new skill

 why we must always beware secondary gain



Here’s links to some research and articles with great ideas for sick-day kids that we discuss:

Stephanie Morgan for Momtastic: 10 Activities When Sickness Has You Stuck At Home


from NPR: Should My Slightly Sick Child Stay Home? The Rules Often Conflict


and most importantly, this sobering read, from Heather Murphy for the New York Times: Fish Depression is Not a Joke



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Best of: Sick Day Hacks

How do we help our kids navigate the possibility of going viral online for one little mistake? Devorah Heitner, author of the new book Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, explains how we can protect our kids online without invading their privacy.
Devorah Heitner is a leading authority on raising resilient and kind kids in our always-connected world. Her writing on kids and technology has appeared in The New York Times and The Washington Post, among others.
Devorah, Amy, and Margaret discuss:

what accountability for mistakes should look like for kids

what drives parents to overtrack their kids online - and the consequences

mentoring versus monitoring our kids' digital activity


Here's where you can find Devorah:

Instagram: @devorahheitnerphd

Twitter: @DevorahHeitner

Website: devorahheitner.com


Buy GROWING UP IN PUBLIC: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593420966



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Fresh Take: Devorah Heitner on Growing Up in Public

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Getting-ready playlists? Choosing outfits the night before? Bringing snacks to the pickup line? We asked our audience about their favorite back-to-school tips... and we also allowed some venting about back-to-school craziness as well.
Amy and Margaret discuss:

To make lunch or not to make lunch

How to keep outfits clean at breakfast

The best time to grocery shop


Here are links to resources mentioned in the episode:
Read the full Facebook thread here and if you're not already part of our amazing group, you can join at www.facebook.com/groups/whatfreshhellcast!
Watch the short film Amy mentions: "How Was Your Day?" directed by Allison Hadar and Maddie Corman

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Back-to-School Back-to-Ones

How do we get rid of the giant dollhouse or racecar track that our kid insists they ALWAYS play with? (Even though they don't.) Here's how to clean house while remaining on your kid's team.
A listener on Facebook asks:
"How have you been able to get your younger children to part with toys? I’m trying to get rid of the giant four-foot dollhouse we were gifted several years ago. My daughter is 4 and I think she only ever played with it 3 or 4 times (years ago), yet she is so attached to it! Did I mention it’s huge?! Oh and I hate it! I typically get rid of things they don’t play with when the they aren’t around, but this is like a piece of furniture and she’ll definitely notice its absence."
There are two paths to getting this dollhouse out once and for all, Margaret explains. Playing the role of teammate and the role of benevolent dictator.
Playing teammate means asking for your kid's help on how to get the dollhouse to someone who would appreciate it more. Playing benevolent dictator means acknowledging your child's love of the toy while holding firm on your stance of getting rid of it.
Margaret prefers the teammate approach - your kid should feel heard, but they should also know you're in charge and have final say in the toy department.
It's a good idea to rotate your child's toys out of site for a bit so that once they come out again, they feel new and exciting. And check in with your child regularly about which toys they're actually playing with to help them understand what's most important to them.
Here's the link to the resource Margaret mentions in the episode:
Birute Efe for Kidsactivities.com: "10 Ways to Get Rid of Toys without Drama"

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Ask Margaret: How Do You Get Your Kids to Part with Their Toys?

How do we teach our children that it's not okay to say mean things about family members, especially in front of them?
Diana emailed us to say:

"My 5-year-old daughter has a clear and strong preference for my in-laws versus my own parents, I think because she saw more of them when she was little, so is more comfortable with them. It hurts my feelings and also hurts theirs. She is very honest about her feelings and will say that she doesn’t want them to come over, doesn’t want them to sit next to her, doesn’t want them to stay when they do come over. 
I hoped by seeing them more she would warm up and she usually does have a good time with them once she settles in, but she’s still saying hurtful things. I would greatly appreciate any advice on making the situation more manageable."
When children are expressing repeated resistance to spending time with certain grownups, it's always important to rule out whether there's another, more serious and unexpressed reason for that resistance. Once that's been ruled out, consider what secondary gain your child might be receiving from saying these things.
Most 5-year-olds are old enough to have empathy, and understand when they've hurt others' feelings. It's also an age by which kids can usually learn to control their impulses. A child who is saying rude things to their friends and teachers, and not just at home, might need a little scaffolding around impulse control, and learning more appropriate ways to express her frustration. In that case, these hurtful comments can become teachable moments for fostering emotional intelligence.
On the other hand, if only one person or setting is the location for these rude comments, then you know that it is in your child's control to express their frustrations differently. Model what you expect, hold the line, and you should see improvement.

For more resources and ideas, check out this article:
Amy Morin for VeryWell Family: 10 Ways to Handle Disrespectful Behavior

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Ask Amy: My Child Is Not Nice to Her Grandparents

How do we reconcile the desire to give our kids independence with the desire to protect them from the world? Dr. Emily Edlynn, author of the new book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, explains how we can let go of the anxiety-driven controlling impulses inherent in modern parenting.
In this interview, Dr. Edlynn and Margaret discuss:

The intersection of autonomy-supportive parenting and neurodiverse kids

What an autonomy-supportive environment looks like (and what gets in the way)

Tools we can use to prevent overparenting


Here's where you can find Dr. Edlynn:

www.emilyedlynnphd.com

@DrEmilyEdlynn on IG, Twitter, LinkedIn

The Art and Science of Mom, Emily Edlynn, PhD on FB

Buy AUTONOMY-SUPPORTIVE PARENTING: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781641709767



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Fresh Take: Dr. Emily Edlynn on Autonomy-Supportive Parenting

Sign up for the What Fresh Hell newsletter! Once a month you’ll get our favorite recent episodes, plus links to other things to read and watch and listen to, and upcoming special events: http://eepurl.com/h8ze3z
We've got a mom for that! We asked our listeners what specialties you're the go-to people for. In this episode we discuss those unique and useful talents, from being the one who can pack an entire sectional into an SUV, to being the one who can make dinner for six out of a basically empty pantry.
To that end, if you'd like to be the mom for that, Amy recommends Sam Sifton's book No-Recipe Recipes in this episode.

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I've Got a Mom for That

“It's becoming increasingly clear that different ways of being are more 'normal' than most people realize, and that is truer with each passing year," says Debbie Reber, author of Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. In this "Best of" Fresh Take, Debbie offers concrete, actionable ideas that will allow us to become exceptional parents to our exceptional kids.
Debbie Reber is a parenting activist,  bestselling author, speaker, and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a top podcast, community, and educational resource for parents raising differently wired children.
Debbie, Amy, and Margaret discuss:

why typical suggestions for parenting neurodivergent kids can be inadequate

finding opportunities to "tilt" our parenting, rather than struggling to straighten our child

why small changes can have big impacts for differently wired kids


Here's where you can find Debbie: 

https://www.debbiereber.com/

@debbiereber on Twitter

@DeborahReberAuthor on Facebook

Buy Debbie's book: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781523506316 



TiLT Parenting is now part of the Adalyst Media network! Check out all of our amazing podcasts at adalystmedia.com.

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BEST OF: Debbie Reber on Parenting Kids Who Are Differently Wired

Sometimes we need to stop trying so hard for things to get easier. We asked our listeners: where’s an area of your parenting where you got better results by doing less? 
In this episode we discuss our listeners' best advice on how to parent more lightly by caring less about our children’s:

homework

potty training

outfits

palates

basic hygiene

birthday parties


We also talk “bare minimum parenting” in its many forms with guest James Breakwell, author of Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child.
James says bare minimum parenting isn’t about the number of kids you have: “Two children aren’t twice as much work as one. If you’re already yelling at the first kid, just add the name of the second kid at the end.” For James, bare minimum parenting is about playing the long game. Can you look around at a group of adults and pick out which ones had baby massage or language-immersion preschool? Okay, sometimes they’re dead ringers. But most of the time you can’t, and we think James’s new book is slyly revolutionary in the way it enables all of us to do less, worry less, and get our kids to pretty much the same place in the end.
In other words, Bare Minimum Parenting doesn’t have to mean no rules. It can mean basic rules that work for your family. But those rules aren’t set by the family next door, or that clickbait-y guilt-inducing article you just read.
And when the rules don’t work? Put them aside for a bit. No regrets.
ICYMI: in this episode Margaret mentions this slackline as her key to bare minimum backyard fun— her kids play on it for hours.
Here's where you can find James: 

Buy James's book: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781982599294


@XplodingUnicorn on Twitter

@ExplodingUnicorn on Facebook


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BEST OF: How Little Parenting Can We Get Away With? (with guest James Breakwell)

At what age are our children ready for the sometimes shark-infested waters of social media? What limits can we set and tactics can we use to keep them safe while allowing them to communicate with their friends and stay connected?
Megan sent an email to questions@whatfreshhellpodcast.com to ask:
"I’m getting so worried about social media as my kids grow older. As a mom of three (ages 9, 12, and 14), I find myself at a loss when it comes to navigating this digital landscape. My oldest, who is in 8th grade, is starting to express a desire to get social media. She keeps talking about how all of her friends have it. However, I can’t help but worry about the unrealistic standards it sets, and how that could affect her development and self-esteem. 
Am I crazy for not wanting her to get Instagram and Tiktok? I want her to grow up like an average kid and not miss out on things her friends are doing. I just wish social media wasn’t so toxic, especially for girls."
Your kid is likely telling the truth when she says that most of her peers are on social media. That doesn't mean your concerns as a parent for her safety and privacy aren't incredibly valid. 
Social media doesn't have to be an either absolutely-none or no-holds-barred decision. Privacy settings, and controlling what your child is posting, give you some control. It's possible to start with tighter reins and more oversight and then slowly let out the slack line. 
Take the particulars of your own kid into consideration. You know what's right for your kid. Set the rules you want with an open dialogue, rather than have it become something that your daughter can't talk about with you at all.Approaching social media with your child, rather than forbidding until she figures out how to do it behind your back, is probably the better option.
Links to resources Amy mentions in the episode: 

Wait Until 8th: https://www.waituntil8th.org/


Devorah Heitner's book Growing Up In Public: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593420966



Bark.us (use this code for a free trial: https://www.bark.us/?ref=2R4XYRK)


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Ask Amy: What Age Is Old Enough for Social Media?

Two recent national studies underlined that there's a surprising group of children at risk for worse mental health outcomes: kids who go to high-achieving schools. How do we protect our kids from the pressures all around them to succeed at any cost? Jennifer Wallace, author of the new book Never Enough, shows us how to teach our kids that they matter intrinsically.
Jennifer Wallace is an award-winning journalist and a frequent contributor to the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post. She lives in New York City with her husband and their three teenagers.
Amy, Margaret, and Jennifer discuss:

Why achievement pressure is at an all-time high

How parents contribute to, but are not solely responsible for, this pressure

How to teach our kids that they matter independently of their achievements


Here's where you can find Jennifer: 

jenniferbwallace.com

@jenniferbwallace on IG

@jennifer.b.wallace on FB

Buy Jennifer's book: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593191866



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Fresh Take: Jennifer Wallace on Achievement Pressure

What happens when the usual parenting advice feels zero-percent applicable to our own situation? The first step is to let go of any "second arrow" self-blame that that is the case. The second step is to chart our own paths.
Amy and Margaret discuss:

What types of kids may not benefit from the one-size-fits-all parenting advice

Why the concept of default parenting advice is harmful

Why kids "irritating behaviors" are signs that they are growing and learning appropriately


Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: 

Sarah Lyons for Western NY Family Magazine: "One Size Doesn't Fit All"


Our episode "When Your Kid Doesn't Fit the Mold"


Jeanie Lerche Davis for WebMD: 10 Commandments of Good Parenting


Dana Bosu: How to Cope When Your Child is Different


Andrew Solomon: Far From the Tree


Ross Greene: The Explosive Child


Rita Eichenstein: Not What I Expected


Deborah Reber: Differently Wired



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When Typical Parenting Advice Just Doesn't Fit

What do we do when, despite every tactic we can think of, our child refuses to eat dinner? Margaret puts a mom's anxieties around missed meals into perspective.
Jillian asks:
"What do you do when your two-and-a-half-year-old absolutely refuses to put a lick of dinner in her mouth? Night after night I offer multiple items. We've tried eating on the couch and in front of  theTV, hoping the mindless eating scenario might happen. None of it has worked. At my wit's end!"
Margaret recommends buying the book Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense by Ellen Satter. Satter explains that the parent decides what to serve, and the child decides what to eat. It's not our job to force feed our kids when they would rather be doing anything else. They may simply not be hungry, especially if they had a late afternoon snack.
If you think there's something serious underlying this reluctance to eat, definitely reach out to your pediatrician. But if your child eats well at other meals, there is probably not reason for concern. Don't chase your child's behavior and bend over backwards to get them to eat at all costs. Even if they don't want to eat, they can sit quietly at the table while everyone else enjoys dinner. If they start throwing food or otherwise misbehaving, don't hesitate to end the meal for them or otherwise give appropriate consequences.
And as Margaret can attest from the other side, it will get better as they get older!
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Ask Margaret: My Kid Won't Eat a Bite of Dinner!

What does it mean to have an identity outside being a mother? How do we forge a new sense of self that includes motherhood but isn't defined by it? Life coach Bea Kim provides tips for defining our true values and then living those values out.
Bea Kim is the founder of Parent Refresh, a company that provids parent-focused services through life coaching, fitness, and community, and Awaken, a diversity, equity, and inclusion educational company. 
Bea and Margaret discuss:

The liminal space between pre- and post-parenthood

How mismanaged expectations cause problems for new moms

What it means to define our own values and why it's important for mothers


Here's where you can find Bea: 

https://beakim.com/


https://medium.com/bea-kim-coaching on Medium


https://www.linkedin.com/in/beabahn/ on LinkedIn

@beakimcoaching on IG


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Fresh Take: Bea Kim on Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood

We all know someone who causes chaos, lawful and otherwise, wherever they go. Those people, are called "crazymakers," a term first coined by Julia Cameron and which perfectly describes the unwelcome disruption they bring to our own peace of mind. Here's how to spot the crazymakers in your life, and how to avoid getting caught up in their mischief.
Margaret and Amy discuss:

The true definition of a crazymaker and the three top types

Why crazymakers use low-power strategies of dominance

How maintaining your own self worth helps deter crazymakers


Check us out on YouTube! 

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